Now this post is dedicated only on Motherhood and mothers. As I believe that being a mother has made me who I am today. I am no longer concerned with mediocre issues like, "What to wear?" shopping for clothes for myself or even if I wear make up.
The longer I think of these mediocre issues the more puzzled I become. Only cause you have to take pride and time in/for yourself. So I ask you "Should I be thinking this way?" many people say no that if you don't take care of yourself you will lose yourself. Well I say clothes and makeup are not taking care of myself. Taking care of myself is thinking "How can I be a better mom?" or "What can I do for myself, that will benefit my children?"
Some say that's wrong, and okay part of me agrees with that, while the other part of me says your kids come first. I always go back to the saying "If mama ain't happy, then no one is" So here goes my rant on motherhood.
I do not regret having my children. The only regret I do have is that I feel I cannot provide them with everything this world has to offer. I can however provide them with knowledge that they can get everything for themselves if they so wish it. I love my children dearly and would not change them for anything.
This could be a bit contrite but this is my rambling and I do not care.
Someday's I feel like I have lost who I am as a person, a woman. I do not live to please myself but only them. Yes someday's I feel resentful, but that feeling passes really quickly. As soon as I look into my children's eyes, I know that there is no greater love than that of a mother and child.
So I might have people say why tell everyone you resent having your kids if the moment passes by quickly. Well cause its the truth and that is what this blog is meant for me to do. Tell the truth and find myself.
As of lately that is all I have been a mother. I am no longer a woman with desires or needs. I am no longer a fiancee. I feel like I have become my worse fears. Just a mother and nothing else.
My little boy who is 10 months old now, is my little man. unfortunately he sleeps with me in bed. I say unfortunately cause that causes my fiancee to sleep on the couch. I have tried to get him to sleep in his crib since he was born. But alas he seems to only be able to sleep with me or my fiancee in our queen size bed. During the day he takes his naps in the crib but they do not last more than 20 mins at a time. What doesn't help is that we live in a 2 bedroom apt. So his crib is in our master bedroom. Like I said I have tried to get him to sleep in his crib alone, but its like he senses me in the room. He is a very smart "bratty" baby. Love him dearly he is my world.
My daughter who is 12 at the moment. Feels like she is going on 30 someday's has recently told me she has a girlfriend. I am by all accounts okay with this. Cause lets face it I have had girlfriends before as well. (stories for another posting) I had to ask her if she knew what that meant. Cause she has never really been around lesbians/bisexuals (She has no idea of my orientation, nor which is any of her concerns at the moment either) She told me she didn't really know. So now I am to figure out how I am supposed to talk to my 12 year old not only about sex but also gay sex. (ugh these labels are everywhere) She knows about sex cause I have never hidden anything from her in that aspect (did not give the babies come from storks, or birds and bees, what nonsense is that) I also told her that if she had any questions to come to me first and not her friends. Cause oh my god these kids think they know it all. If they only knew to ask the right questions so they can get the right answers.
So now she sort of understands the difference between them. But it is still a bit of mystery to myself. Since well I am on the road to self discovery.
Both my children are my very own blessings and miracles. (since I was told I would have had a hard time getting pregnant, hence the 12 years apart.)
So now I am trying to find the woman in me apart from the mother in me.
A woman who is trying to find her desires, her dreams, herself in this crazy world that we live in.
Thank you and much love to you all,
M.P.
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