Personality vs attitude :)

Getting anxious much???

As I have written I am moving.   

Have you ever gotten news (good news) that excites you and you cannot wait to begin a new journey? 
Have you ever felt like the waiting for it to come is too much to bear?
Hell, I have.  I am right now.  I have started packing and don't get possession of the new place till July 1st  lmao 
I should have everything ready by then I suspect. Or close to it anyways. The only thing I dread is the actual move and the changing of addresses to everything. I always seem to forget one thing or another. I have made lists of all who has my address.  Yet I always lose that list..... Le sigh!.......


One of these days I might settle down into a house that we own and not have to move for a long long while. 

I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life. It will be an adjustment for sure. Since it is further from work. But we must do what we must to survive this wretched world sometimes.  



So now that I have ranted my rant for the day. I am heading back to the grind to pack some more........lol 

Moving on.....

So since last post.... things have gone better.  

Got a call from housing and we will be moving for July 1st. I am looking forward to it. Since this will help me save some money. At least I hope so anyways.  

Unfortunately it is not the best area of town but it isn't the worst either. I take comfort in that. I keep getting comments that be careful there is lots of robberies and other stuff in that neighbourhood. Don't people realise that those things happen everywhere. Why must everyone burst my bubble so to speak.  

I am getting tired of those comments. If they wish for me to live in a nicer area of town they can pay my rent and bills. 

If they are not willing than I wish they would just shut up and keep their comments to themselves.  

Is that so hard to ask?  
Yes I think nowadays it is.  Everyone must have an opinion on how to live your life and what you should be doing. 

This rant will not be long cause I am happy to have found a place with three bedrooms and will be cheaper than what I am paying now for a two bedroom with no patio. (yes no patio is a sticking point for me, I feel like a caged mouse in this apt.)

Just cause....

The weekend....

So I went up to my hometown this weekend for my cousins reception.   It was a lovely night out but I also realized a few things.  I miss my hometown of Cornwall and I miss my family and friends that I have there.  By family I mean my sister and her kids, cause at the reception I felt like an outsider. Although most of my life I felt like the black sheep of that side of my family.  All my cousins are close in age,  none are close to mine so they all hang out together and don't really include anyone else. That could be cause none of them have kids I don't know.  That is how I feel, love them to pieces but I don't feel any kinship at all.  


I always see on facebook all the parties and get together that my so called friends, friends and family have together.  All the pictures of happy times.  Don't get me wrong I am happy for them but also feel left out.  Could this be my depression rearing it's ugly head again or am I just being petty.  I'm not sure anymore.  Right now I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there and not come out at all.  I don't want to impose on anyone or have anyone invite me out somewhere out of pity.  

Just the thought of asking if I wouldn't mind joining would be a great start. Even if I cannot make it, it's great to be asked.  I don't mean get asked every single time that's for sure that is a bit selfish don't you think. lol 

So needless to say this is a bad week for me. 

Just cause I had nothing to write today lol

stressed out a bit :(

So as most of my friends know. I am on maternity leave.  Right now I am stressed about money and child care once my maternity leave ends at the beginning of July. 

I have been asked by many of my co-workers "Are you coming back?"  My answer is always yes but not sure if I would stay.  My reasoning for that answer is this, I cannot afford child care. Then I cannot afford to not work cause of bills and my car. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place so they say.  

What am I to do, I can go onto welfare which I hate because I am able to work. But then again I don't really like leaving my child with strangers. So what am I to do....

If I go back to my part time job cause they don't have full time positions anymore. I will have to try and find another job. Which I have two but the one doesn't guarantee me any hours.   So I cannot count on that job.

Yes many of you are probably saying "don't you have a fiancee", yes I do.  But he is a student at the moment, so he isn't allowed to work more than 12 hours a week.  That does not pay his bills, let alone help me with mine.  He tries but its not enough.   

I have applied for housing and they told me the wait list is over 6 months for a 3 bedroom. I am getting very frustrated with the waiting.  It has been over 6 months, I am still waiting.  

So now its crunch time to try and find affordable daycare, plus a third job.  Which means I will never get to see my family.  I know we must do what we have to, to provide for our families.  But it still sucks ass.  

With my daughter I was single and had to go on welfare.  I didn't have to work for 5 years cause she was home full time. But that still didn't leave me with much money.  Plus I didn't have a car back then. 

I swear I need to find me a "SUGAR mama/papa" lol  or win the damn lottery. 

Rant over for the day. 

Thanks and much love 
M.P.

Friends

Last night went over to a friends house. It felt wonderful to just be able to do that. I have not done that much as of lately.  I realized I missed the interaction between other adults that are not family or my fiancée love him dearly.  But this was different  I could vent or talk openly about things that I can't with him.   Since he is not really part of the kink community it's hard sometimes to relay to him what I need and want.  He knows but I'm at the point where I hate having to repeat what I want or need daily.  

Is it hard to ask to remember certain things?

Am I wrong in wanting different things?

Maybe it's just me who knows. Lol

So back to last night.  I had a fantastic time and need to do it more often.  I need to venture out of my comfort bubble. Meet others and try my best to do that 

for mother's day

My wonderful man got me red roses, a tennis bracelet and  the movie I wanted, for mother's day.  I love him so much.

I know most of the BDSM world does not like the fifty shades trilogy.  I happen to be one that does. I know it's not actual facts.  But I don't like it cause of the story line.  I like the books and the movie for the scenes in them.   Not the abuse although it is very similar to how I was introduced to the lifestyle officially. My ex was an abusive controlling bastard. (Excuse my language).  So it isn't that far off the truth for a lot of people.  I can also differentiate between fiction and non fiction.   That is my opinion and I'm ok with others who disagree.  We are all allowed our own opinions and the chance to express them.  


Oh on a side note yay I finally got some lol ;).   Not Kink style but I will take what I can get lol



Thank you all and much love
M.P.

Labels: BDSM

So for this one I am just going to group it all into one. Since its all rooted in the same.

So BDSM and what does it mean to you?

Is it that you like being hurt, attacked, molested? No and yes to a degree.

BDSM to me is being able to let go of the everyday grime and not have to think about work, kids, and all my other stresses in life.  

So since I gave you a few contrite labels for myself.  I shall elaborate on them for you. But first a very dear friend wrote about "ish" and all of these are my "ishes"  I am not completely 100% anything when it comes to BDSM.   I am Domme(ish), Sub(ish), top(ish), Bottom(ish). Now if you all understand that, that's great.  For you who don't I shall elaborate on each of these "ishes"  and maybe just maybe it will be better understood.

First  Domme(ish). I am not completely a domme nor do I wanna be. Reason for that is rather simple, I rather not have to take care of someone 24/7.  Make sure they are alright. Some of you would say then that makes you a top.   I say no cause to me a top doesn't keep control the whole time (will elaborate in top(ish) portion after)  Now I need to clarify this some more I have never been a domme in any scene or session. This is something that fascinates me and would love to try.  

Second Sub(ish). I am submissive by nature when it comes to men and women.  That stems from my upbringing of never making the first move and letting others dictate what is going to happen. Whether be it sexually or professionally.  I have always been old school in that way.  I am learning to change that, so this is why the "ishes".  I don't mind leaving all control and decisions at the door.  I am however never gonna be a 24/7 sub/slave.  That is def not for me.

Third top(ish).  Now this one has been the most prevailing of them all throughout my actual long term relationships.  What I mean by that is once I got comfortable enough with someone that I am sexually involved with.  I will speak up and tell them "I want to be fucked right now" or "eat me" and of course that is only if they wish to. Hence not completely domme nor top. 

Fourth Bottom(ish).  So this one would probably describe me the best, at the moment. Cause I am not living this lifestyle as I would like.  It is only when my fiancee remembered or felt like being kinky (since he is more vanilla than I am) 

So If I had to give myself a percentage for all of these I believe at the moment this is what they would be:
Domme 5%
Submissive 20%
Top 15%
Bottom  60%

But like I was saying these could change from now till whenever.  Which is why on fetlife I have myself labelled as a kinkster.  Cause there is just not one that fits 100%.

Plus my moods change depending on the situation that I am in. It all depends on the company I keep and the surrounding area.  

Same as there is certain kinks that claim me as sub or bottom.  (Those are for later when I feel the need to touch base on my kinks.) 

Labels: Woman/Friend

Woman:

It is self explanatory no need to add the definition of this word.  

I agree with this quote wholeheartedly cause it ties in with my topic of choice right now: Labels. 

A woman can be whomever she wants to be. 

"I am woman, hear me roar."  that quote always made me laugh cause I do not want to roar as I am an introvert by nature.  I rather "purr" 

Friend:

webster's definition of this is:

noun \ˈfrend\

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

I have had many friends in my last 34 years of life.  Some have come and gone.  Most have gone not by their own choice.  I have to be honest I have been the cause of most of my lost friendships.  I had boyfriends who were controlling and didn't let me have any,  not that they were the only excuse cause lets face it. After the bad relationships ended. I did not reach out to try and repair the damage that I have done to the friendships.

To this day I have few friends that I keep close to.  I find it very hard for me to make friends and keep them in my life.  As I have said before I am an introvert. So I tend to stick to myself and stay home. If I go out  it is usually with my kids, my fiancee, or my parents.

But it is not to say I have not met some who I would love to change that with. I just find it hard,  I am not a talkative person, I am more a internalizing thinker. If you get what I am trying to say.

I have a hard time opening up to people and get comfortable with them. I tend to feel like a fraud and that I am being judged all the time. I also feel infurior to most cause lots of my friends have more schooling then myself.

I am aware that it is all in my head, but it is hard to rewire your brain after so many years of thinking this.

What doesn't help is that most of my past relationships, I have been told I wasn't smart and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I was always being corrected. 

I will one day get there I assure you all, I am slowly there but it will take time. 

Labels: Mother

Mother:

Now this  post is dedicated only on Motherhood and mothers.  As I believe that being a mother has made me who I am today.   I am no longer concerned with mediocre issues like, "What to wear?" shopping for clothes for myself or even if I wear make up.

The longer I think of these mediocre issues the more puzzled I become.  Only cause you have to take pride and time in/for yourself.  So I ask you "Should I be thinking this way?"  many people say no that if you don't take care of yourself you will lose yourself.   Well I say clothes and makeup are not taking care of myself.  Taking care of myself is thinking "How can I be a better mom?" or "What can I do for myself, that will benefit my children?"   

Some say that's wrong,  and okay part of me agrees with that, while the other part of me says your kids come first.  I always go back to the saying "If mama ain't happy, then no one is"  So here goes my rant on motherhood.

I do not regret having my children. The only regret I do have is that I feel I cannot provide them with everything this world has to offer.  I can however provide them with knowledge that they can get everything for themselves if they so wish it. I love my children dearly and would not change them for anything.

This could be a bit contrite but this is my rambling and  I do not care.

Someday's I feel like I have lost who I am as a person, a woman. I do not live to please myself but only them. Yes someday's I feel resentful, but that feeling passes really quickly. As soon as I look into my children's eyes, I know that there is no greater love than that of a mother and child.

So I might have people say why tell everyone you resent having your kids if the moment passes by quickly. Well cause its the truth and that is what this blog is meant for me to do.  Tell the truth and find myself.

As of lately that is all I have been a mother.  I am no longer a woman with desires or needs. I am no longer a fiancee.  I feel like I have become my worse fears. Just a mother and nothing else.  

My little boy who is 10 months old now, is my little man.  unfortunately he sleeps with me in bed. I say unfortunately cause that causes my fiancee to sleep on the couch.  I have tried to get him to sleep in his crib since he was born.  But alas he seems to only be able to sleep with me or my fiancee in our queen size bed. During the day he takes his naps in the crib but they do not last more than 20 mins at a time.  What doesn't help is that we live in a 2 bedroom apt. So his crib is in our master bedroom.   Like I said I have tried to get him to sleep in his crib alone, but its like he senses me in the room.  He is a very smart "bratty" baby.  Love him dearly he is my world.

My daughter who is 12 at the moment.  Feels like she is going on 30 someday's has recently told me she has a girlfriend.  I am by all accounts okay with this. Cause lets face it I have had girlfriends before as well. (stories for another posting)   I had to ask her if she knew what that meant.  Cause she has never really been around lesbians/bisexuals (She has no idea of my orientation, nor which is any of her concerns at the moment either)  She told me she didn't really know. So now I am to figure out how I am supposed to talk to my 12 year old not only about sex but also gay sex. (ugh these labels are everywhere) She knows about sex cause I have never hidden anything from her in that aspect (did not give the babies come from storks, or birds and bees,  what nonsense is that) I also told her that if she had any questions to come to me first and not her friends.  Cause oh my god these kids think they know it all.  If they only knew to ask the right questions so they can get the right answers.  

So now she sort of understands the difference between them. But it is still a bit of mystery to myself. Since well I am on the road to self discovery.  

Both my children are my very own blessings and miracles. (since I was told I would have had a hard time getting pregnant, hence the 12 years apart.)

So now I am trying to find the woman in me apart from the mother in me.  
A woman who is trying to find her desires, her dreams, herself in this crazy world that we live in.

Thank you and much love to you all,
M.P.

Labels: lover/introvert

lover:
Webster's definition:

noun lov·er \ˈlə-vər\

: a partner in a romantic or sexual relationship

: someone with whom a married person is having a love affair

: a person who loves something

Well as a lover I have forgotten what that is. I do have a fiancee who means the world to me as well as my kids.  But there is no intimacy in our relationship. I fear we have lost it along the way since having our son 10 months ago. Most of it would be my fault. After giving birth my body changed and so did my self image. Where I once loved my body now I cannot stand to see it in the mirror.  I have gained weight, I have gotten worse skin on my face than before. I would never judge anyone else on their appearances but I cannot say the same for myself.  I no longer recognize myself, which is probably why I am on this journey.  

I love my fiancee very much. We have a fantastic open relationship.  He is the first man to actually let me be me.  He loves me for me (well at least he says he does). So with my new or old issues with my body have resurfaced we have not been intimate nor have we found the time to do that. Since he is a student and works part time. I am a mother of a 10 month old, and taking care of the household cleaning. We barely have time for each other.  

So now we just need to find the time to reconnect the lovers in us together.  


introvert:

verb in·tro·vert \ˈin-trə-ˌvərt\

Definition of INTROVERT

transitive verb

:  to turn inward or in upon itself: as

a :  to concentrate or direct upon oneself

b :  to produce psychological introversion in

or

noun

: a shy person : a quiet person who does not find it easy to talk to other people

So as I have mentioned before I am known as an introvert. I tend to stick to myself and its not usually a problem.  Although as of lately I have become restless with being stuck at home all the time while I see everyone I know have lives. Gotta love Facebook.  I am happy for them, but I feel lonely.  The loneliness is not cause no one is around.  (I hate our apt, which is why I never invite anyone over.) I just spend all day talking to a 10 month old who doesn't talk back except babbles and spits at me. God love him, he is my bundle of joy. 

Now in the past I have been and extrovert, depends on the company I keep. See rule #4 in the manifesto of an introvert above.  I agree it is good to be able to put yourself out there.  But just remember that if you do put yourself out there do not lose yourself in the process.

I have lost most of my train of thought on these two labels. So I shall say "Adieu!" for now. 

Thanks and much love to you all,
M.P.

Self Definition........

Self Definition.....

Why is being defined by one single thing so important to everyone.

I never understood the reasoning behind having to be defined by others.

I have in the past been defined as a "slut, whore, bitch, lover, friendly, spiteful, ugly and so many more that I cannot remember them all"

The ones I do remember are the hurtful ones as when I was called them I was younger and did not understand why other people would call me these things.

I have over the years evolved and learnt that some of those labels are blessings as well as ignorant comments by people who did not understand me at all. Cause it showed me that the people who have called me by those words, they did not know what they meant. Therefore were waste of my time.

Now as I sit here contemplating these labels and definitions, I am struck by so many differences there are.

You cannot define someone as one thing or another. 

Labels are useless. 

So here are some labels and definitions of myself, that I have come up with, after some soul searching.  

Labels:

• Woman 
• Friend
• Lover
• Mother
• Introvert
• kinky
• Submissive
• Dominant
• Top
• Bottom

Now these are only some of the labels and yes some contradict each other. But as many of you are well aware, there is not just one label that fits just one person. 

We all have characteristics that define us. I have plenty more but to be honest cannot think of any at the moment. 

I will elaborate more over the next few posts on why I gave myself these labels. As well as will adding more to it, as I grow and learn new things about myself.

Thank you and much love,

M.P.

There will probably be more posts in one single day as I think of things I would like to share. Before I forget them I mean, since my mind works way faster than my hands do. :)

older writing I found.

I found some older writing that I wanted to share.

These are unedited and probably has lots of grammar and punctuations wrong. 

But meh!  I don't care. 

This one I wrote back on October 7th 2001.

Untitled

I'm a woman, that loves, hates, cherishes, honours and trustworthy.

When you look at me, do you see me.

Do you see a woman that loves you and is in love with you, 

or do you see a friend that will be there through thick and thin.

Do you know I love to be near you, to smell you, to feel your touch.

Do you know how good it feels for you to hold my hand in public, or in private,

to feel your kisses on my tender skin.

Do you know how I feel when you tell me you love me.

Do you know how it feels when you ignore me,

or treat me as a friend one day and the next like a queen.

I just wanna tell you, I hurt, I feel, I cry, I laugh.

But most of all I love you

This one I cannot remember when I wrote it I just know it has been a while. Should really learn to date what I write. 

Untitled

As I sit alone in my place.

I start to forget who I was when I was with you.

When I start to think of my life is going where it is supposed to;

You waltz back in with an innocent hello, how are you?

All those lost and forgotten feelings come rushing back.

Do you even realize what you do to me.

Can you comprehend the feelings I had for you.

Then in  a blink of an eye you are gone.

I am back to feeling depressed and all alone.

Wishing that I never had these feelings.

I wish I never revealed how I felt for you.

No one else will ever love you like I did.

One day it will be too late.

One day when you call with those intentions, 

it will be too late.

Even though those feelings still reside deep inside of me.

They are diminishing by the minute.

Now as I sit alone,

I am finally happy to be alone.

Here is another this one is a good mantra for my life.  

Untitled

As i look to the stars

I wonder who I am

I ponder the meaning of my life

I think over my past and wonder if what I did was the right path to take

I know I cannot change the past

I do know that I can change my future

The question is what do I want for my future

As I look to the stars

I wonder who am I to become. 

As I read these over I know I have written them after being heart broken.  There has been so much heartache in my past that these fit with all of them.

Cause I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and love with all I am.

I could never understand others who shut down emotions.  I was jealous at how some could do that, I could never.

Through my battle with depression, I have faced lots of heartache and loss of loved ones.

I never could shut down my emotions,

nor would I want to now to this day.

I have come to realize that they are me and I am them. 

Thanks and much love to you all,

M.P.

My first post where to start.....

As my title says this is my first blog.   Now where to start.... well I guess I can always start at a time where I was made to realize that I am a sexual being. 

Please note adult material.

I was 13 when I was first introduced to sex.  It wasn't my choice in the least.  I got attacked.  (that is all the details I will give. Cause this is not about the attack itself, but of what it awakened in me)

After that day I found myself getting pleasured by most unusual things. (Well unusual to me then now not so much.) I found pictures of women being bent over a chair, handcuffed or tied by rope and being impaled by inanimate objects very pleasurable.   I didn't understand why I had the reaction I did.  I also knew that I couldn't tell anyone as well.

As the years went by and boyfriends came and went.  I noticed that I had forgotten some of the fetishes (now that I knew what to call them) that used to turn me on. I had transformed myself into whatever my significant other wanted me to be.   I would change the way I talked, walked, dressed and who my friends were. 

It has taken me many many years (20 odd some years) to figure out that I cannot change myself for someone or have someone change themselves for me.

So now that I am 34 years of age and has 2 children (girl 13yrs old, boy 10 months old) and I found a man willing to let me be myself.  I am on the road to self discovery, and finally find out what I want out of my life, my sexual life as well as my professional life. 

I am not a educated woman, I have my high school and that is all.   I do not claim to be well rounded in all subjects nor do I care to be told I am wrong.   This is all about my view point and you are all welcomed to make your own comments and points of views known to me.  I will read them and not discriminate you if you do not agree with me. 

I am not easily offended as well.  

Most of the blogs will have adult contents pictures and quotes. 

Some will just be mad ramblings of mine, when I feel the need to vent. 

But before I go,  I have to thank a great friend of mine who opened my eyes and has been  an inspiration to me. For me I thought I knew who I was.  But as people get older we grow, change and we rediscover who we are and who we want to be. 

Thanks and much love to you all,
M.P.